Journal Entry 1/6/13

I had a really emotional day today! I felt in control and on a spiritual high all week and then got to church and the first testimony was a man who testified of the happiness on the other side of the veil and that his only living brother just passed away and how he was so happy for the reunion his family on the other side had. Holy cow, the tears just kept flowing. And of course I would be on the front row right in front of the bishopric! Mike sent Kilee up twice to get me tissues. They were like great alligator tears. I don't know why it affected me so much, it was like the word funeral was a trigger word and that started the tears flowing.

 

I could not even believe how many babies were crying today! It was out of control and frankly I was getting so irritated. Wherever I would change my seat to, a parent would come and rock their baby right behind me. Every time! I was really feeling bitter.

 

During Relief Society I was sooo tempted to walk out. The lesson was on drawing to the Savior during our trials. You would think I would feel the spirit and get a lot out of it, but it swung the total opposite. Instead, I began to feel really bitter inside. I hated that all these women got up to share their testimonies and of course brought their babies up with them, the women I was pregnant with. It was so hard to see!!! The teacher was planning on sharing a mormon message I've seen that has circulated lately, (it didn't work so she just told about it) how a woman was having a hard challenge, a divorce, and while cuddling and calming a baby she thought about Baby Jesus, and it brought her so much peace to hold the baby. I am sad to say that it totally turned me off! Anything that insinuates that a baby brings peace, just brings with it so much bitterness to me. Even if its Baby Jesus. I hate admitting it but that's how it is. I am just all the way broken around babies and want nothing to do with them, how does that ever get fixed? I thought I was moving in the right direction when I finally got pregnant with my Vick, but that just complicated all these emotions when I lost him, too.

 

I really have found a lot of help in books and prayer, and dreams I've had lately, I think I've made a lot of progress, but then here it goes again, I feel like its 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Its so frustrating to not know how to fix myself, or to feel like I'm making progress, but then not want to hurry too fast because I feel like I'm running faster than I can. Grief and trauma are so frustrating and difficult to meddle through, especially when surrounded by people who have not experienced either. I have a hard time taking advice from people who have never been there. But the weird thing is, I'm also stuck in this spiritual high, because at the same time, I feel like I am still at peace with everything. How can I be at peace when I want to run out of RS? So confusing!!!

I woke up from a nap today listing in my mind all the things I can relate to now having experienced my losses. I think it might have been heavenly help sent to me to ease some of my burden:

miscarriage

stillbirth

loss

child loss in general

cremating a loved one

burial of a loved one

secondary infertility

learning to brush off insensitive comments and ignorance

loneliness of people not being able to understand

grief, bitterness, anger, rage, love, peace, acceptance

how to support someone who grieves

compassion

sensitivity to the spirit

the Atonement and needing it to function

awareness of the greatest pain I know- emotional pain 

the sanctity of life, even at its simplest forms

 

It helps me to look at this list and see that I am a different person than I was almost a year ago. I hate that I've gone through this (!!!!), but I can relate to people on a whole other level than I ever could before.  

Just Plain Angry

I've noticed the closer I get to Vick's due date, the harder it's been. I have so many times throughout the day that I want to drop what I'm doing and post my feelings, but it has to wait for one reason or another, and by the time the kids are all tucked into bed and the house is quiet, I don't even want to revisit the strong emotions I had.

Lately, it's been the whole fairness issue that's been hard to grasp.I've really struggled with why God has allowed two of my babies to die and then not let me be able to conceive. It's strange to me that I am at peace with Tesslee passing. My inner battle and struggle with God has been that Vick passed away. I was so leaning on him to heal me. I loved him so much and had so much hope for him that he was the rainbow that would fix everything. I loved him every single bit as much as I loved Tesslee or any of my children. It's hard to comprehend how I can love something so much that was only with us for such a short time. I can't explain it, but I guess that's what a mother's love is. Right from the very start. I would've given my life for him without giving a second thought. I feel 2 very large holes in our family.

Its hard to see people get pregnant who were not trying or did not plan on another baby. Very hard. I am still trying to figure my feelings out here. It hurts so deep that my arms are still empty as 2 babies have slipped from them and some people's arms are fuller than they had intended. It is an indescribable pain. I know I have to be stronger in my mind and not let it wander to what other people's lives look like, but sometimes I just do.

I hate that my family cannot understand me. I feel so alone walking this path. Its true that it gets harder the second year because most of them are sick of asking how I'm doing, they want the old me back and are frustrated so they don't ask anymore. They just ignore and wait for it all to go away. It hurts. It hurts to be in excruciating pain and not have the ones I love the most acknowledge that I'm hurting. And how can they? None have walked the path I have. None have buried their babies so how would they understand? How could they? I keep reminding myself of that. It's just lonely. I'm so grateful I have Mike. When he holds me it temporarily takes the pain away. He's so patient. I love him so much.

I'm going through a stage where I know I cannot handle much more pain emotionally, but I have no desire to get help from God. I know that sounds so bad, but I am very mad at Him for putting me through this. My grief counselor told me to be mad. To be mad as long as I need to to work through my anger, not side step it. She told me that "God can take it." I like hearing that because sometimes I feel guilty being mad and not wanting to come to Him when I know He offers peace, but I can't deny my feelings of anger towrd Him. My whole life is seriously in conflict right now. I want a baby, but I don't think I could take care of one. I have lost confidence in myself that I can carry a baby to term, or keep a baby from dying, which I know is ridiculous since I've done it 4 times. It's hard when your babies die without you being able to do a thing for them or control the situation so they don't die. i have realized a loss of control in my life. It's hard to get used to. I'm conflicted that I am happy for my very pregnant sister and that her baby is healthy, but I don't want to even think about it because it stabs my heart that my Vick isn't in my womb anymore and I won't be bringing him home soon as well. I am coming around to being able to see my nieces who are Tesslee's age, but it still pricks my heart at each bit of info I overhear about what stages they are in. Sometimes it is excruciating to hear what they are eating, or how much they are sleeping now and all the little things that I would (should) be doing with Tesslee too. It is hard to breathe when I hear these things.

I'm getting rid of all the baby things I used for Kilee and Ellee that I have been hanging onto for Tesslee. It was so hard to go through the clothes. They are so tiny. And so ready to be used. So cute. It brought up all my thoughts of Tesslee wearing Ellee's old clothes. But I need to get rid of them. We don't have room for them anymore. It might feel good to let go. I don't know if I will actually be able to take them away. But for right now they are bagged up in my living room. I just wish Tesslee could've wore those clothes.

I am so nervous for a family camping trip that is scheduled in July. I hate July so much. All the family and all the babies will be there for the first time all together, except mine. Now if Vick was still alive I would not even be attending (same scenario as last year with Tesslee) but unfortunately I am attending. No baby is arriving anymore (again) and to imagine all the other babies toddling around playing with each other and to see the moms chatting away about their babies like all moms do will tear what's left of my heart out. The worst thing I am embracing myself for will be the comment that someone says, "Hey, look. It's all the babies together finally." That will kill me inside. The final blow as I realize my babies have been forgotten, not on purpose, but just because they. don't. realize....... I guess it's ok, I'm used to that. I have grown accustomed to the pain over the last year, but just to have it culminating like that just makes me so nervous. Anticipating the pain makes me reluctant to go. And there I am conflicted again because I love my family so much. Each one of them. I have the very best SIL's ever. And I could not love my siblings any more than I do. So why do I have to have this conflict where I love so deeply?

I can't believe I wrote all that. I guess I needed to get that out. I just hope that I can get to a place where I feel the need to come to my Savior and let him carry me. I need it so bad right now. I need rest. I need peace. If I can just get myself there to Him...