The 2nd Year

I really did think that after I passed each holiday milestone and got through the first year it would start to get easier. I was looking forward to that. The day after Tesslee's first birthday I felt off to such a fresh start. I was going to be on top of everything, start new and clean, return to family gatherings, and it would all be a little easier to cope with now that the first year was over. Those were my intentions: much healing to come this next year. It felt good for about 2 days, then it just hit me hard. This is what I get to live with, like for the rest of my life. There's no more "first" milestones I haven't experienced in my grief with Tesslee. We've gone through a whole year of painful, wrenching firsts to keep me preoccupied. Now its just getting through the rest of my life. And I will be honest. That is an impossibly long milestone to be looking forward to. Mike hates when I say it, but it's the truth, Part of me ( a big part of me) cannot wait to die. And no, I'm not suicidal. Its just the one thing I am so excited for. It's the most joy I can even imagine! It's where I want to be a lot lately. Yes, of course I will stick around for Mike and the kids as long as I must, and I love them and want to experience every single particle of life with them, but I am so torn. I daydream a lot about what it's going to be like when I finally get to die and cross through the veil and bear hug my Tesslee and Victor. I've thought about what my reaction might be when I see them for the first time again. I am sure I will collapse with emotion and they will have to help me through. It's so hard to wait for that moment!!!

The other night I had a very disturbing dream where I was being shot over and over, the inflicter was laughing and recording my reactions and seeing how long I could stay alive through it, and I was in a lot of pain. I was just laying there waiting to die, waiting to see Tesslee, not just feel her but SEE her with my own eyes, it was a great distracting thought through the pain, but she would not come, and no matter where I was being shot I would not die! I remember the dream so vividly, especially the waiting part and thinking, Tesslee, come for me! This hurts so much! When I woke up, my muscles were twitching in the places I was shot. It was such a real dream. I've thought alot about it over the last few days, why it was so real, why I had this dream now, why I can remember it perfectly. I think my mind is trying to process all the emotion I've been feeling about the second year, and the rest of my life. I really hope it starts to get easier, because its been difficult the past few days to find the motivation to continue day after day after day. I see these people who are a few years out of their losses and I just think. Really? You're laughing and enjoying yourself carefree? Are you just good at faking it or do you really feel that life is joyous? I hope I can get to that point again.