This past week, especially today as we get nearer to Tesslee's birthday, I've begun reliving the days before we knew we had lost her. I remember the black dress I was wearing, and looking at my side profile of her in my belly and noticing that my stomach looked smaller to me. A mother knows. Every centimeter. I remember the lesson we had that week in Relief Society on Despair and Hope so perfectly. I remember the family celebration we went to and the three times I went there and back in the course of the the 3 hours. I remember the veggie plate and dip I was eating. It's strange how life slows down. I guess it's a blessing to cushion the blow of loss. I remember everything. The outfit I wore to Tesslee's dr appointment, the conversations in the waiting room. I remember it all. The memories aren't as crippling as they were last year. I'm actually beginning to be grateful they are burned into my memory. This year they are mostly just numbing with shards of pain here and there.
As I come up on her birthday this 2nd year, I am mind blown that it has been 2 years. It seems so fresh still, yet so distant at the same time. The 2nd year has definitely been harder than the first. I do have hope though that her birthday will be beautiful. Last year I was so afraid of it, but Tesslee made it a beautiful day for us, and so this year I expect nothing less from her. I'm sure she will come through. I'm praying she will come through and it will be a tender, special day.
I miss my baby girl so much. But I am recognizing more the longer it is that she has never really left. I feel her presence in our family and I hope that someday when we are reunited I will be able to look back and see that we were never really separated. That she was always with us. Always.
